


Show Me Love (Watch Me Fall Apart)

by nothingwithoutyouxo



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Canon Continuation, M/M, post episode 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 21:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14481171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingwithoutyouxo/pseuds/nothingwithoutyouxo
Summary: Lilette is more than suprised when her best friend shows up on her doorstep in the middle of the night shaking and an absolute wreck. Whatever Simon had been struggling with lately, she didn't expect it to come to this.





	Show Me Love (Watch Me Fall Apart)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so the last episode broke me as I'm sure it broke you. This takes place directly after episode 7 and directly after That Scene (you know the one). I wanted to write a piece with Simon and Lilette just talking stuff out because their friendship gives me life. I hope you guys like it!
> 
> The title is from Only Love by Ben Howard (which is absolutely a Siremy song) and this is once again for Hannah, who motivated me to write this straight away when I told them about the idea.

Lilette was more than confused when her doorbell rang at such a late hour. It couldn’t have been her mum because if she’d forgotten her keys then she would have texted her about it. She hadn’t ordered any food so it couldn’t be a delivery person. When she pulled her door open to find Simon on the other side her confusion turned to worry.

 

“Simon what are you -”

 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, and she realised he’d been crying. “I’m sorry I know it’s late but I didn’t want to go home and -”

 

She shook her head, cutting him off by gently pulling him into the apartment. He looked like an absolute mess. His eyes were red and puffy, his shirt wasn’t buttoned up properly, as if he’d tried to get dressed in a hurry and missed a few buttons, and he was shaking. She pulled him into a hug without hesitating.

 

“Lilette, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s ok, Simon,” she replied. She had no idea what was happening right now, or what he felt the need to apologise for. She’d noticed that Simon had been struggling with something, that he’d been a little distant lately but she hadn’t expected something like this at all. “It’s ok,” she repeated because she could tell that he was starting to cry now, she could feel him shaking. Her heart broke. She pulled away enough that she could see his face. “I’m going to get you some hot chocolate, ok?,” she said. “It’ll help.”

 

He nodded, but she wasn’t sure if he was really hearing her.

 

“Just sit down, ok? I’ll be right back.”

 

Lilette quickly made her way to her kitchen and set to work. She’d made enough hot chocolates in her time that she only needed a few minutes. She could hear Simon sniffling in the other room and her chest felt tight, but she managed. When she came back, holding the mug carefully in her hands so that she didn’t drop it, Simon was on the floor. He hadn’t moved and it appeared that he’d just collapsed where she left him, as if he couldn’t stand anymore. Lilette didn’t question it, she sat down in front of him and placed the mug carefully on the floor between them.

 

“Talk to me,” she said

 

“Is your mum home?” he asked.

 

Lilette shook her head. “She’s been working late a lot. Her new job gives her really long shifts.”

 

He nodded. She could see that he was thinking really hard about something. He’d gone quiet and he wrapped his hands around the mug she’d given him. Maybe the warmth was helping calm him down a little. “Annabelle,” he said and then broke off immediately, shook his head and tried again. “I - god I’m such an _idiot_.” Simon dropped his head into his hands and Lilette was starting to realise that this was a puzzle she was going to have to start putting together herself.

 

She thought everything over and tried to think. His clothes being messed up and the mention of Annabelle seemed to lead to one clear conclusion, though she wasn’t sure why he’d react like this if that was the case. “Simon did you and Annabelle -“

 

“No,” he looked up at her. She noticed the horror in his eyes immediately and he must have seen her confusion because he tried to clarify that. “I was - we were going to but I couldn’t.” He stopped again, his hands pressing against his chest, “I’m not - it’s not like that with her -“

 

Lilette nodded, slowly processing everything that he was saying and trying to figure out what he was trying to tell her. There had to be something lying beneath the surface. Something without an easy conclusion, but she tried again. “It’s ok if you’re not ready for that, Simon.”

 

He shook his head which told her that whatever this was, whatever he was so upset about, didn’t have anything to do with _that_ , at least, not really. “It’s not - I’m not,” he groaned and dropped his head into his hands, pulled at his hair.

 

Lilette sighed and moved closer to him, shifting the forgotten cup of hot chocolate so that it didn’t get knocked over (her mum would be pissed if she spilled it on the carpet somehow). She pulled his hands down and stared at him until he looked up at her. He was already starting to cry again and Lilette wished she knew how to help, how to make this easier for him. “What is it?” she asked, far more firmly than she intended it to, but something sparked in Simon’s eyes so maybe it helped.

 

Simon swallowed, his eyes flicked around the room, never quite landing on one thing. “I kissed Jeremy,” he said, voice hoarse already. “I mean, he kissed me but I - I kissed him back and, Lilette .... I wanted to.”

 

 _Oh_. She guessed that she probably should have expected something like this. Simon and Jeremy were always so close during rehearsal, and Jeremy did seem really fond of him. Maybe if she hadn’t gotten so distracted by Robbie, she wouldn’t have missed this. Screw Robbie, this was far more important. She looked at Simon again, knowing exactly what he was trying to tell her and wished that it wasn’t causing him such anguish. She shouldn’t have been surprised, knowing his family and how deeply they’d instilled religion in him, but this was breaking her heart. She squeezed his hands. “I know you Simon,” she said. “I’ve known every day since we were seven and I know that you know that it’s ok to feel that way.”

 

He shook his head again, looking down at their hands instead of at her. “My dad is going to kill me,” he muttered.

 

As unfortunate as it was, Lilette wasn’t sure if she could dispute that. She wasn’t sure if she could convince him things would be ok if even she didn’t know if they could be, so she didn’t say anything. She squeezed his hands again and hoped that that helped.

 

“He almost did,” he continued. “Moving back to Stanton ... he hates me now.”

 

“Simon, he doesn’t hate you.”

 

“Of course he does. Why wouldn’t he? I think he knows about -“ he broke off, tears overcoming him and Lilette let go off his hands and pulled him into another hug. “That’s why he wanted me to move. Being Hanschen … he must have known somehow. I can’t be like this,” he whispered. “I can’t.”

 

Lilette didn’t really know what a broken heart felt like, she’d been lucky so far in the first sixteen years of her life not to obtain one, but she was sure that she did now. She didn’t want Simon to feel this way at all, to feel helpless like this, and she couldn’t think of a way to help him. She knew where he was coming from, and she hated seeing how afraid this made him. “I love you,” she said, because that’s all she thought she could say in this moment. It didn’t seem to help because Simon started crying really hard, clutching at her like she was the only thing keeping him alive in this moment. She held onto him for the longest time, she didn’t care how long it was, it could have been days and it wouldn’t have mattered to her. All that she wanted was for Simon to feel ok again. She was sure that she started crying too at some point, but she didn’t care. At least when he pulled away he wasn’t shaking anymore. Lilette counted that as a very small victory in this situation.

 

“I can’t fix things,” he muttered, sounding more hollow than he ever had. Lilette hated it. “I told Jeremy that Annabelle and I were -“ he broke off, looking like he might gag at the thought. “He hates me now and I’ve ruined the show.”

 

“You haven’t ruined the show, Simon.”

 

“You saw our scene. He won’t even look at me.”

 

Lilette didn’t know Jeremy very well, but they’d all noticed how on edge he’d been during rehearsal. At least now she knew why that was. “You could talk to him,” she said.

 

Simon scoffed at that. “Talk to him? Did you not hear me? He won’t even look at me let alone hold a conversation with me. I don’t even deserve that right now.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “I think that if you _really_ talked to him, then he’d want to listen.”

 

Lilette could tell by the look on his face that she’d won. There was no logical way that he could dispute that. “I want to believe you.”

 

“I think you have to try, Simon.”

 

She was right. Of course she was. There’d hadn’t been many instances in all the time that he’d known her that Lilette was wrong. Simon wondered how she managed to have this insane ability to know things. To know him so well and to know what to say and what he needed to do. He sometimes wished that he could be more like her, but he was so glad she was in his life regardless. “Love you,” he muttered.

 

“I know you do,” she smiled. She looked down at the abandoned hot chocolate and then back up at him. “Are you going to drink that or ...?”

 

“It’s yours,” he shrugged.

 

“Ok good because the chocolate to milk consistency in this is _so_ good, Simon.”

 

“Didn’t your mother ever teach your not to brag?”

 

“Hey!”

 

***

 

Simon knew that the only way he could catch Jeremy alone was before school. Jeremy arrived a million years before any of them and could often be found in the green room. Some of the others usually joined him when they got there and then during lunch and sometimes after school as well. Simon knew that Michael, Jolene and Lexi all frequented the room. He knew that Annabelle did as well. They all hung out together. Simon didn’t want to face a single one of them so he left Lilette’s house the next morning incredibly sleep deprived but sort-of determined and headed to school far earlier than should have been legal.

 

He had no idea what he was going to say to Jeremy yet. He’d been trying not to think about it but really it was all he’d been thinking about. Hence the lack of sleep he’d suffered. He couldn’t remember being this anxious in his life. Not for any audition or any opening night that he’d ever had. Nothing compared to this. He was kind of worried that he would just straight up pass out on the way there, but with some stroke of random luck he didn’t. He made it all the way to school, all the way to the classroom. Jeremy was there. He looked up at Simon as he entered the room, before quickly looking down again, busying himself with scrolling on his phone. Simon could hear his heart beating so loud in his ears that he was sure even Jeremy could hear it from where he was sitting on the other side of the room.

 

Simon took a deep breath, hoping that whatever he managed to say next made some kind of sense. He should have planned this somehow. He should have put a stop to the constant flood of anxiety in his mind so he could at least know what he was going to do next. At this point, he just had to wing it. “I know that I don’t deserve your attention or even to be in the same room as you right now but I really wanted to talk to you.”

 

He wasn’t sure if he imagined it, but he thought that maybe Jeremy flinched at the words, at just the sound of his voice. Simon felt sick. Jeremy didn’t look up at him, didn’t acknowledge him in any way at all and that made it worse, because Simon knew that he deserved it. He’d ruined all of this, and he’d upset both Jeremy and Annabelle and they both deserved better. He knew they did.

 

Jeremy shifted and for a moment Simon thought that he saw him look up at him out of the corner of his eye. He had to keep talking otherwise there was no way he was going to come anywhere close to fixing this. He took a step into the room so that he was no longer hovering awkwardly in the doorway and just unleashed.

 

“I don’t know if you know this about me but I come from a very religious family. My whole life I’ve been surrounded by religion and the bible. I was an altar boy. I’ve sung in the choir at my church every Sunday since I can remember. When Lilette and I became friends in second grade, my dad tried to stop me. Her mum was in high school when she had her and she wasn’t married or anything so he didn’t like Lilette by default. But I did, and my mum did so we won that argument but it took him years to come around to her, and to her Mum. He still doesn’t really like being in the same room as her even now.”

 

Jeremy looked up at him and Simon faltered, losing his train of thought. “Simon, why are you telling me this?”

 

He hesitated, thinking his next words over. “My dad ... he’s so religious. He’s the most religious person I think I’ve ever met. I think he would rather that I be dead than -“ he broke off, his tears catching up to him again and still unable to say the word.

 

He could tell by the look in his eyes that Jeremy understood what he meant. He stood up, making his way across the room towards him and Simon couldn’t breathe again. He swallowed, knowing that he had more words that he needed to force out.

 

“You asked me if I felt anything when I’m with you and ... I do, Jeremy. I feel -“ he paused, unsure how to word it. “A lot.”

 

The room was deathly silent for a good few minutes while the two of them just looked at each other. Then Jeremy was moving, closing the remaining distance between them and pulling Simon into a hug. Simon felt like he was on fire. He wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t move.

 

“Simon?”

 

“You told me not to touch you.”

 

“You can hug me back, Simon. It’s ok.”

 

Simon wanted to, he really did, but he pulled away instead. He tried to look passed the hurt in Jeremy’s eyes because he still had more to say. “Jeremy, with Annabelle - I didn’t -”

 

“I know.”

 

They went quiet again. Simon wasn’t sure if he had anything else to say. He could apologise again. He could apologise every single day for the rest of his life. He didn’t know if it would be enough.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Simon blinked, confused. “What?”

 

“I didn’t know about your family. When I kissed you - anyone could have seen that. It could have gotten back to your dad I -”

 

Simon cut him off by kissing him. It wasn’t something that he’d thought of doing. In fact the act seemed to surprise him as much it surprised Jeremy, but he realised that it was the right thing to do. Jeremy pulled away first, and just looked at him, shocked and almost hopeful all at once.

 

“I’m not going to lie to you,” Simon muttered, voice much quieter and rougher than usual. “I’m terrified, but I want this. You. I really do.”

 

Jeremy nodded. He seemed to still be processing all of this. He swallowed, obviously trying to think of something to say. “Yeah, ok,” he managed.

 

“Ok?”

 

“I want this too, Simon. I thought you knew that already.”

 

“I did - I mean, I do.”

 

Jeremy smiled the biggest smile that Simon had ever seen on him and Simon felt like he was melting right then and there.

 

“I need to ask you something,” he said.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Annabelle’s never going to forgive me for this, is she?”

 

Jeremy laughed and Simon jolted because whatever he’d been expecting it wasn’t _that_. “You really don’t know her that well at all do you?” he teased. “She’ll be hurt for a bit, Simon. She’ll be angry, but she’ll come around. She’s not going to hate you forever.”

 

Simon nodded. “I just - I want her to be ok, you know?”

 

“She’ll be ok,” he confirmed.

 

“I put her through hell.”

 

“Well, yeah, you did, but you can’t feel bad about that forever. Just give her a few days. She really likes you, Simon.”

 

“Don’t -”

 

“No, I mean, like she’ll be your friend and everything. She likes you enough that it’ll be ok.”

 

Simon looked at him for a moment, something occurring to him. “You’re good at this,” he said.

 

Jeremy seemed nothing less than confused. “Good at what?”

 

“Calming me down. You’re almost as good as Lilette, which is kind of scary because I’ve known her since she was this tall.”

 

Jeremy laughed. “If she was this tall then how tall were you?”

 

Simon shrugged, dropped his hand a few inches. “About this tall.”

 

“So she was taller than you?” he smirked.

 

“So was the tallest, most intimidating and yet sweetest second grader I ever knew.”

 

Jeremy bit down on his lip to try and stop himself from laughing, but it didn’t help. Simon decided that Jeremy’s laugh was his favourite out of anyone’s. When he finally recovered he looked up at Simon again. “Do you wanna come and sit with me for a bit?” he asked, pointing behind him to where he’d been sitting before.

 

“If you want me to.”

 

Jeremy shrugged. “I kind of want to sit with you as often I can, to be honest.”

 

Simon nodded. “I can make that happen.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
